When a friend  is struggling with depression, it is not easy to know how best to help.  Compassion, true listening, encouragement and care are priceless during your friend’s time of need.  This blog post provides some ‘do’s and don’t’s’ when trying to help a friend who is experiencing depression, and was part of my presentation to persons living at the Peace Village community in Palos Park, IL.

What depression is NOT:

  • A passing “blue mood” that people occasionally experience
  • Normal grief after a loss
  • Personal weakness, a character flaw, or laziness

What depression IS:

  • Persistent sad, anxious or empty mood
  • Crying spells, isolation or withdrawal
  • Loss of interest or pleasure in most activities
  • Significant changes in sleep and/or appetite
  • Restlessness, irritability or internal agitation
  • Decline in concentration, memory or decision-making
  • Decreased energy or increased fatigue
  • Excessive feelings of guilt, helplessness, worthlessness, pessimism and/or hopelessness
  • Suicidal thinking or recurrent thoughts of death

Cause of depression

  • Depression is an illness caused by imbalance in certain neurochemicals that impact mood. Genetic, psychological and stress factors often together play a role in depression. Certain illnesses and medication can contribute to depression.
  • Genetic: People can have a vulnerability to depression based on family history and heredity
  • Psychological: Persons with a pessimistic view of the world or with low self-esteem are more at risk to depression.
  • Stress factors: Major life stressors can contribute to the emergence of depression


Depression affects a person’s thoughts, feelings and actions.

  • Thoughts: More pessimistic, rigid, repetitive, worrying.
  • Feelings:  Sad, empty (a “nothing”: feeling), irritated.
  • Actions: Isolative, restless, decline in normal activities.

Treatment for depression

Research shows that a combination of psychotherapy (talk therapy) and anti-depressant medication is generally the most effective treatment of depression. In certain circumstances, electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) is also recommended.

How to Help a Friend Who Has Depression

  • Talk. Speak up about your concerns if you see negative changes in how your friend is acting, talking or feeling. Be kind, but don’t be shy.
  • Encourage your friend to talk to a professional about the changes in mood, thoughts and/or actions. Help you friend stick with his/her treatment, and voice concerns to his/her doctor.
  • Tell a professional immediately about serious concerns if your friend won’t. This is especially important if your friend talks about suicide of hopelessness, or is not eating or sleeping properly.
  • Don’t take your friend’s withdrawal or irritability personally. Because of the negativity that goes with depression, people may say or do things that are hurtful without meaning being intentional.
  • Keep reaching out to your friend, even if he/she does not reciprocate. Be gently insistent about visits, calls and activities but do not expect your friend to be able to do as much prior to depression.
  • Instill hope with your words or actions. Remind your friend that most people recover from depression. Give encouragement for small changes and keep reaching out.
  • Encourage activity, which can help with energy and can help distract your friend briefly from how he/she feels. Remember, though, that your friend will not be able to do as much as in the past. For example, your friend may need to end a visit after 15 minutes when he/she liked to visit longer in the past.
  • Take care of your own needs and emotions!

What Not to Say

Some statements only leave someone suffering with depression with feeling more isolated, misunderstood or guilt. Avoid the following types of statements:

  • “Snap out of it”
  • “You just have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps”
  • “Call me back when you’re ready to do something fun”
  • “Stop worrying about that”
  • “Don’t be so lazy”
  • “Don’t be so weak”
  • “Get back to me when you feel like talking”

What to Say and Do

  • “Let’s take a little walk”
  • “I’ll call you every day even when you don’t feel like calling me”
  • You’re thinking negatively right now. Trust me, you’ll get more positive again as you recover.”
  • “Would you like to say a prayer together?”
  • “That’s your depression talking. You’ll think differently as your depression subsides”
  • “Little steps every day. Slow but steady progress”
  • “Even if you’re not hungry, eat at least some of your meal”
  • “Come to the activity with me. We can leave early if you need to”
  • “Why don’t we do this volunteer activity together?”
  • “I’m so glad we spent time together, even if it was hard for you”
  • “I have a pamphlet on dealing with depression. Let’s look at it together”

Remember, moments of compassion, true listening, encouragement and care can go far in helping someone you love through hard times.